Warum

A reflection

2011-03-20T11:13:00.001-07:00

A reflection

This is not supposed to have any intellectual value or meaning.

While on duty yesterday, I saw a child crying with all his heart.
He was calling for his mom, after awhile he fell on his knees and continued crying.
The caregiver tried to comfort him at first but the boy continued crying.The caregiver just stood near him and wait for his son to become tired from crying before moving off.
Since I didn't had anything to do then I did a reflection.

You know as we grow up we are not very different from a child actually; we all have the capacity to experience emotions at it's fullest no matter what stage of development we are at.

Are there any difference ? Yes actually....
To me the younger we are the easier it is to rebound or rather after a particular age it becomes a bit tougher to regulate.
Are emotions bad? well to me it will aways be no ...
it makes us human...

I know also another side of emotions the intense illogical passionate feelings.
Are these bad? Well it depends..What happens..

When we are a baby or in our toddler days, when we cry we normally are comforted by our caregiver quickly..

Why is it when we grow older we are made sad by the same caregivers and people who once smiled at us we don't even know.

It's sad really....
You know how much we cried when we are young, now we cry in our locked bedroom late at night trying to make sure no one noticed us.
We used to cry openly in public without a care in the world, how I miss that.
Last time, we are readily comforted but I guess now we are to comfort ourself.
Our adult comforters such as sex, drugs, cigarettes, violence,medicine,self-harm are never quite the same as our original ones..
Solitude and sadness in modern times has a strange link isn't it?

I realised recently how having the capacity to think more can actually cause some to have sleepless night or mood disorders or prolonged sadness.

The more we have the less we have...

I guess being childlike at times is good isn't it?
Let us also try to be the caregiver for others...Let us be tolerant , accepting, forgiving, loving, and non condescending to people around us and stop playing adult games with people.

When someone is crying, let us stay beside the distressed and wait for him/her to experience his/her feelings while giving the person a sense that I am here for you.

A reflection (digress part)

2011-03-20T10:06:00.000-07:00

A reflection

This is not supposed to have any intellectual value or meaning.
(Edited it is of intellectual value or meaning after I digress)

While on duty yesterday, I saw a child crying with all his heart.
He was calling for his mom, after awhile he fell on his knees and continued crying.
Since I didn't had anything to do then I did a reflection.

You know as we grow up we are not very different from a child actually; we all have the capacity to experience emotions at it's fullest no matter what stage of development we are at.

Are there any difference ? Yes actually....
To me the younger we are the easier it is to rebound or rather after a particular age it becomes a bit tougher to regulate.
Are emotions bad? well to me it will aways be no ...
it makes us human...

I know also another side of emotions the intense illogical passionate feelings.
Are these bad? Well it depends..What happens..

When we are a baby or in our toddler days, when we cry we normally are comforted by our caregiver quickly..

Why is it when we grow older we are made sad by the same caregivers and people who once smiled at us we don't even know.

Ok let me make a correction you can't feel sad because of others.You feel sad because your interpretation and expectation make you feel that way.
I hate this argument and in a way fact, I won't deny how certain expectations and "I don't love myself because others don't love me" thought can kill people.

What the media want us to believe is that we should all be emotionally resilient ourself and if I fail to be emotionally resilient it is my fault.
After all I see so many self-help books in psychology section in library and bookstores. I see messages like "be happy" and "think positivity" everywhere.
Wait so we are supposed to be able to regulate our emotions by denying our emotions?
Directly the media does not tell us this, but indirectly sometimes this is how people interpret it.
I acknowledge that perhaps thinking positively can help in certain situation that is why reframing the situation can really help in therapy.
Let me challenge a bit of this entire idea of positivity.

You know it is really misleading how positivity sometimes become regression all of a sudden, when they are different
O wait so you are saying that regressing is no good.It depends,you must regress sometimes in order to be socially smart.Having said that,if you keep regressing non stop it has a high risk of turning into a big problem. Primarily nothing really changes and as a result the idea or thoughts is not confronted or addressed so basically you don't solve it.Another thing is that avoiding to think about it makes you think about it more.You know how prolonged regression can lead to big problems that is why I think there is releasing of pent up emotions in psychotherapy and it is very important if you follow that framework.

Well I believe in a clearer message in this "be positive" message.

Bla I digressed
I will rewrite another post for what I wanted to write.

Understanding Part 2.

2010-07-28T10:57:00.001-07:00

Understanding Part 2.

Do i really know that much of the world that i think i know?

A bit about today,someone draw a smiley face on my hand using marker,
I was not angry but a bit more cheerful.
I wonder why she did that..
Is it out of randomness?
Or was there are underlying reason?

The only answer i got in the end was that it was not important that I understand or not.

Sometimes not asking why but viewing the finished product is a beautiful thing.
And in a way is more insightful then then thousands of why's that we ask.

I understand something i would like to share,
feel free to disagree with me.

And I try my best to follow this idea even though it is difficult.

We are all humans but do we treat the other people around like humans?
It's true that we are selfish people..
But I believe we were made to love each other.
Cause we are gregarious....

It is true that only our significant others matter a lot to us.
It is true that we do have things that we dislike.

But consider this....
If i dislike a particular behavior a person does,is that a significant reason to detest that person? Or avoid that person? Or stop loving that person?

Firstly i would like to explain what I meant by love since love is a vague term.
I meant care and concern.

Let us go back to the point of dislike,
I may dislike the individual action but isn't there a part of him that you can accept and learn to develop a bit more love with him/her?
I do not mean agreeing with his behavior,but rather enjoying the side we forgotten the part of the person that we are ok with or maybe gains your approval.

The second point we don't care for everyone even though some may say they do.
Sometimes we care only for people that hold significance to us.
By significant i meant people whom perhaps approve of us,people whom we have a special relationship with,people whom we are in a deep relationship with,people whom we have some relations to.

I have no problems to the idea of choosing who you want to love,but,i want you to take this into consideration.

There are others we forsake,often the marginalize....
So if you think you are a good person I will put this question to you.
Aren't you selfish cause you don't love because you really care for humanity but you care because you have some goals or some inner fulfillment to meet.

Ask yourself this,while you are worried about the people suffering elsewhere around the world,there are people suffering right beside you.
Don't believe me?

Look around...
those people with no or few 'friends' or those who are bullied do you you think they actually like the situation they are in?

Of cause loving people is not easy.

Of cause some might say but they have everything.
Everything material yes,inner fulfillment no

I would like to give some warning.
Do not impose your ideas upon people.
Not everyone in the world want to be a cheerful person.

Sometimes a little compliment a little attention a little care and concern is good enough.

You owe your happiness to people whom love you.
Why not pay it back?

Loving is difficult ,self sacrifices might have to be made, you may risk being ostracized.

I will end with my most liked phrase 'love conquers all things'

Understanding.

2010-07-28T09:14:00.001-07:00

Understanding.

There is a danger if we assume everything we do or think is correct, cause many a times we tend to be wrong.
Yet I believe so firmly and talk so firmly in my ideas and believes,nothing wrong with that.
Just that I might be wrong,and I am often wrong when my emotions come into my decisions and ideas.

Yet if you further this idea of understanding, you will realise there is no truth then.

Or rather almost everything is the perceived truth.

Man suicide rates are higher,
The more people there are around us the less 'caring' we get,
Under the pressure of a role we have quite a high tendency that we may kill someone when told to do it or choose to believe something that is illogical to justify our action of giving potentially lethal treatment to people.

Sure, unless you study psychology or sociology you will be a shock to hear some of this.Some of us may not believe this studies or say surely I am not in that group of people who are uncaring or end up killing someone.

Cognitive dissonance.

Why am I talking about this I wonder?

I am experiencing Cognitive dissonance.

For a long time I thought my approach to certain matters were good,
for example...

How I process my understanding.

But now I get a better awareness how listening is more powerful then talking.
Sometimes it's best I give things a break.
Sometimes trying too hard cause things to go haywire.
Sometimes agreeing without any 'yes,but' answer would be better.
Sometimes conforming is better.
Sometimes I am a male chauvinist bastard.
Sometimes I should not put down people.
Sometimes I should let others lead.

I may change.
Let me think again...
Hmph.....try...

recall...

2010-06-15T09:23:00.000-07:00

A recall,

I was shocked to hear such news,
I don't care about the fact that they were not the winners,
to me they hold something that make them the champions in my eyes.

For once in my life,i felt real genuine concern shown by others to me.
Though she did not know me,
though it was a simulation.

It was good enough for me,
because of her going a extra mile i decided to improve my horrible first-aid then by reading up,practice and sharing ideas with others.

I didn't hear news about their unit after that encounter,
only to hear now from my classmate that their unit have closed down.
I salute them.

...................................................................
Last 2 days,
watched 2 anime

First was 07-Ghost
okok bah kind of boring and the angelic music gets a bit annoying after awhile

Second was Tokyo Magnitude 8.0
I felt very heavy-hearted as i watch the ending.
Such a touching story at how circumstance can make you realise what's important.

Talked about something that was troubling me to my friend and got it sorted out.
I guess that I need help after all.
...................................................................
Celebrated someone's birthday on Sunday,
it has been a VERY long time since i celebrated someone birthday.
Last time i won't border really,but now i realise that i should be less self-orientated.

Who am I?

2010-06-06T09:48:00.000-07:00

I once said to someone that being irrational is at times being rational,
however I now question myself, why I am so irrational.

Destroying the identity that I have.
Am I trying to be someone new?
Or have I such poor control with filtering the words that come out from my mouth?

I need some peace,but I do not give myself such a luxury.

I wonder if I would be tomorrow's me?
Or today's me?
Or yesterday's me?

Tomorrow is somewhat important....
Listening to keep trying...I need it now..

Keep trying! Nicholas!

2010-05-27T08:48:00.001-07:00

Once again I wished for something so hard and it came true,
and it did not went well.
I was ready for such a response from you.
But I was not ready for the hurt that follow

What a irony liking two gems together.
When you fail to appreciate one beauty,u can turn to another.

I shall try to Stitch up my mouth in times when it cause others and myself harm,
and learn how to talk in certain social setting.

I guess I am a very careless person.

Going in and out of the wall that separate the me tomorrow and the me in the past is very difficult.
Old habits die hard.
Emotions cause my basic rational sense to go haywire also.

I like her calling my name,but I know it is wrong to fall into this trap.
Cause my rational sense know it is a trap,or maybe it isn't but my esteem shapes my thoughts.

What I want now is for this relationship to carry on this way not going forward or backward.
That is the best for both she,she and me I believe

I like my old motto to motivate myself
Keep trying! Nicholas!

Restricted area

2010-05-20T20:10:00.001-07:00

Restricted area;
This invisible boundary that I prohibit myself from entering.

Why?

I guess I condition my mind to associate hurt with that space.
Even when I know I have to trespass.
My idol has done it, my friends have done it.

It's time to try I suppose.
.............................................................
The world does not revolve around me,
so why do I feel such intense emotions.

Its' not like a miracle can happen tomorrow.
I'm glad that we are making some sort of progress even though I have decided to put distance between us.

Friends ok ?

Dream

2010-05-14T10:54:00.000-07:00

A memory,

What was I thinking then?
I wonder?

All I remember is crying before I slept,
while dreaming I saw 2 visions.

The first,
a fragment of the past.

The second,
sitting with my previous partner at somewhere memorable,
only I don't see her any more,
instead being replace by a cute looking girl I know.
I guess this is not important but I want to put it down.

....................................................................
Finally the horrible feeling of dread is gone.
After 4 long years.
Will it sustain?
Or would I return to the past?

I will try to remember the light you showed me.

Asystole

2010-04-10T09:48:00.000-07:00

Today helped up in a First-aid duty have many thoughts after....
School is starting soon =p
Orientation is next week...I am not really keen frankly.
But whatever I will still go I suppose.

My friend has been persuading me to join a martial arts CCA for my poly,
I guess that for now I still don't intend to make a decision.

Interview

2010-04-01T09:13:00.000-07:00

Had a interview last Monday for my sponsorship,
about 9 people if I can recall correctly..
I learned what a hospice is...
a place for dying people...
The in charge told me that most people admitted die within 2 days,
I was taken aback by such reality..

Imagine talking to someone who will die soon,
I plan to take it as a challenge if chosen though my odds are low..

Hmph.....

2009-11-09T20:02:00.001-08:00

Words are meant to be read by people...
This shall be a blog meant to be read...
Nothing more nothing less..

This is me on the surface,
a façade some may call it...
It does not matter...

Why do you need to know so much about me?